Maybe we were lost, but all that matters now is that we’re falling into the center of the ocean and when we touch the surface we’ll make the water splash and touch the sky. But, perhaps you’re too caught up in your tiny meta-narrative to see the big picture.
So, take a moment. Take a deep breath. Step away from the world and into God’s arms. Take as long as you need. You may need awhile. Don’t be afraid to question. Feel free to hold your breath. But… don’t forget to let it all out. When you are ready, open your eyes. Be alive. Let the trees start swaying high, and with your sun-kissed shell, lean forward and freely fall to begin to understand how the Spirit is capable of changing you from the inside out if you were to merely let go.
Hi. It’s me again. Here’s an update.
I don’t understand what God is doing exactly, but I am pretty sure He’s up to a lot of good in my life. I’m being faced with a number of very different things this quarter that scare the hell out of me, but in my fear I am noticing my need for God, which is quite a romantic happening. I feel like the only thing keeping me sane is band practice on Friday nights. Frankly, I could care less about my classes this quarter. I’ve got so many other things on my mind that the academic portion of school is really in the background. Everything else has been moved to the forefront like the bible, the band, and the sun. It’s kind of silly, but I suppose it’s always been this way. I’ve never been one to fully invest in school. There are usually a couple of classes I find really fascinating, but for the most part I become quickly bored and think to myself that I could probably learn just as much on my own.
God has blessed me so much in the past couple of months. You would laugh. It’s really quite ridiculous. It’s humbling though because I know it’s not from me. I clearly see God at work, and I’ve been yearning for that sense for a long time now. I don’t know how this school year will finish off, but I’m going to try really hard to make it end triumphantly to give God back just a fraction of what He gave me.
Today I was reminded of how pleasant it feels when the wind touches your skin in the sun. I was walking, always walking, and I smiled at the thought of doing it again tomorrow.
Fremont Ave N & N 34th. Raining slush. Freezing my bag of bones. Brave, I look up the street with squinting eyes and see Starbucks of which I promised myself I would never go to unless I was in an emergency. This was clearly an emergency. I was miserable in the cold, had thirty minutes to spare, and was probably a little thirsty if I needed another reason. So, I took my shivering body by the hand walked it over to the coffee shop. Warm air greeted us. I looked at the menu and the lady who worked there rushed me along as I’m sure she’s used to Starbucks addicts who know exactly what they want without even looking at the options. I picked what I thought to be a warm coffee drink known as a frappacino. We all know that this is a nice summer drink for those days when it’s eighty degrees out. I had forgotten this. Long story short, I’m in Starbucks shivering just like I was outside because my drink is made of ice. I check the time and see that it’s twelve minutes before the bus is scheduled to come by, so I figure I should go to the bus stop and wait there just in case the bus is early. As I stand up what do I see but the bus across the street from inside Starbucks arrive at the bus stop. I sprint outside and try to make it to the bus, but the traffic is too dense and I miss it. So here I am back where I started even colder than I was before with a half full frappacino in my hand freezing to death knowing that I just missed the bus for a cold drink. The only good thing to come out of this was that I got to have another interesting conversation with a stranger at the bus stop since the bus ended up being twenty minutes late meaning we were standing there for about fourty five minutes.
I’m not going to be back in Starbucks for a good while. I mean, it’s too late. I already spent my money and I’m officially part of the problem. I just don’t know anything about coffee drinks, and I don’t care because they cost way too much for me to be concerned about anyways. Yes, the snow was pretty but I was absolutely freezing for a number of reasons that I can laugh about now.
Life can be funny sometimes.
Well, here we are. We’ve all made it to the year twenty twelve. Congratulations and blessings to you all as I’m sure you’ve come a long way and have far yet to go in your precious journeys here on earth. The beginning of this year finds me in a spiritual fog. For the past couple months I’ve really been reassessing my faith. With my nose in books covering world religions and why one should and shouldn’t be a Christian, I’ve really got my hands quite full. I want to know why people believe or don’t believe that Jesus was who he said to be. I want to know exactly why they are Christians or not. I need to have an answer to this question. I feel the strongest conviction of this. Truthfully, I’ve been brought back to what seems like square one, not quite sure what it is I believe. I’m hoping to discover truth as I get on my hands and knees and confess my emptiness to whatever listens. What can I give to non believers if I don’t know what it is I stand for? What if the opportunity arises for me to explain my faith to curious ears? I would fail if I couldn’t vouch for my God, and let me confess to you and to myself that this has happened on more than one occasion. I should be ashamed of myself, and I am, and out of this comes my spiritual winter where I reside now. It’s cold and it’s lonely, but the more I learn for myself the warmer I become and the closer I come to seeing the light. Out of darkness will come truth and like a ghost I will rise over old streets with new eyes. Happy new year, Nolan. Remember this one.
I have insomnia when I’m sick, and I’m sick. So, here I am.
Tonight, I played a sold out Christmas concert in the beautiful Benaroya Hall. It reminded me of my deep connection to Christmas. I love it when trees start to go up and people decorate their homes with lights. My family has never been one to put up lights on the outside of our house, but I sure do appreciate it when other families do. My dad and I used to ride our bikes around Tacoma and into Browns Point to admire the colorful homes of Christmas. Something about those nighttime rides stuck with me. I wished that I could ride all night long looking at every house in the world with lights. Now look at me. I guess the “all night long” part of that wish was granted. [insert famous saying]
These nights get easier at some point. It varies. I’m handling it okay tonight. My cold isn’t getting to me right now. It was just during the day when I had things to do, places to be. I saw this pretty girl today. She never even looked at me once. I kind of felt like a Charlie Brown character. You know, the sad one. I also had a nice conversation with my friend about how thrilling it would be to see Godzilla appear in the middle of the city. I caught myself though, because this friend of mine is a girl and I often start going off on some story or idea I think up out of much excitement just to realize that my listener is usually not a nerdy guy like I admittedly am on some level. Like the other day, I was on a bus going back to campus at night and I suddenly thought about how crazy it’d be if some guy pulled a gun on us and the man in front of us with a trench-coat was a real life superhero and he ripped off his clothes and was wearing this spandex outfit underneath and saved us and it turns out he’s like a professor from SPU and he’s also a legit superhero. But, what if there was this half alien half human sitting in the back of the bus, and the superhero stunt weirds him out and he goes all violent gremlin on the superhero professor guy, so ultimately there’s this really awkward fight on the bus that I have to break up. I literally said this to the girl sitting next to me, and she gave me the strangest look and was like, “Um… cool.” Anyways, it would be cool if Godzilla came to town. I mean scary, but freaking awesome. She agreed.
For dinner I ate a decent salad and drank two of those mini water bottles (the kind of dinner that makes me sad in the privacy of my soul) while everyone around me had yummy sandwiches and cookies. I was reminded of this girl at some church gathering dinner worship whatever you want to call it who said being gluten intolerant is much like going on a permanent fast.
I laughed a lot today, way more than usual. I’m not sure why to be honest. Despite being really stressed out about a number of things, my spirit was at ease today. That was nice. I have this shampoo that has tea tree oil in it, and I used it this morning. I love it. I can still smell it. I love shower time. It’s the best time aside from dreaming of falling love, which I haven’t done in a while. I suppose that’s not such a bad thing. I take that back, that’s not the best time. Granted, I can’t think of something that is better than that right now, but I’m sure there’s something. It probably has to do with being by myself or within community and Jesus. Maybe I’m becoming less obsessed with finding love. Well, I doubt that.