28 January 2014 / 4:17am / Awake

I’m awake and I’m not entirely sure why. I think I might be having an allergic reaction to this.

I’m very allergic to peaches, as I found out while watching Batman in a movie theater with my family a summer not too long ago. My throat swelled up and I had a great deal of trouble trying to breathe. I thought maybe this drink had peaches in it, but it doesn’t. Maybe it’s the apple. There are apples in this. Wait, it’s got to be. I’m allergic to apple peals… Gosh, could it be that simple? Any way, tonight I have a similar sensation to when I had those peaches before Batman except not as bad, but perhaps equally as frustrating.

I finally gave up on sleep at around 3, threw on my fleece, put on my shoes (pants already on) and went on a walk through the neighborhoods in Madison Park. This place is so magically peaceful at night. Nobody is awake except for that mysterious man walking towards his car, which has been running for at least 5 min. Where is he going? What is he thinking? He doesn’t see me staring at him, does he? I don’t really care. I’m just so damn exhausted. For God’s sake, let me sleep.

(sigh)

I turn left and continue on walking.

At a point in my wandering I realize just how tired I am and so I sit on the curb and rest my head on my knees. In this moment I feel somewhat homeless and so deeply alone. I wonder just how bizarre my night is in comparison to my friends’ nights and how they are most likely sound asleep dreaming things they’ll probably forget in the morning. I am still conscious and living in a broken universe. I am still dying. But all of a sudden I catch a deep breath and I immediately praise God because “oh, what a gift,” I realize, “to be alive.” But then I become very honest in the exhale and think, “But what a frustrating, painful, and lonely gift…” I stand back up, breathe deeply once more and say to myself, “Yet I still believe God is good.”

I walked back to the clinic, locked the door behind me, turned out the lights, and annoyingly listened as the man above me took his very early morning shower. But as usual, somewhere deep down in a dusty corner of my being, I was content to have experienced these hours because I still believed that I’d be telling someone I love all about it one day.

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