I feel weak. Give me strength.
I feel weighed down. Lift me up.
I feel hopeless. Give me hope.
I feel sad. Fill me with joy.
I feel confused. Give me clarity.
I feel lost. Show me the way.
I feel angry. Give me peace.
I feel broken. Heal my wounds.
I’ve lost motivation. Give me passion.
God, I see darkness, but I shout for the light. I fall to my knees and once again admit defeat. In Jesus’ name, lift me up.
This is the third dream. They’re connected. It’s always the same place. I don’t know where it is in time or location, but it’s always the same. We start over every time. It’s like meeting someone for the first time over and over again. It’s quite beautiful actually. You’d think it’d get old, but it’s always the same in it’s enchanted thrill.
Asleep, I dreamed a little longer—running hand in hand, jumping off high places, and forgetting about this life. It was so perfect. It felt eternal. Though, I will admit that something about it put a chill down my spine the entire time. I think I subconsciously knew that it was only temporary.
But when I woke up, I chose to smile instead. I thought to myself, “This dream will be my little secret.” I turned over and was blessed to dream a little longer.
The day’s beginning.
Well, this proves that I’m still gluten intolerant. . . Oh well.
I still feel most alive during the night. I like knowing that I could leave this place and not get swarmed by people and noise. Solitude is something I thrive in. For me, writing is not a struggle with silence, but rather a devotion with it.
Lately, this city seems to be closing in on me. It’s hard to find places around here where one can just be alone and breathe the air in peace. My Masi rode bike is my best friend right now (well, besides my acoustic guitar and my journal). I’ve been riding it all over in hopes of discovering such places. Though I haven’t had much luck, I have had time to ponder things in the privacy of my mind. I think about the past, about people and feelings and many things in between. I promise you I am not this vague in my head.
I often reflect on the beauty I’ve seen. It makes me smile and frown at the same time, which explains my blank expression these days. I think about myself as if I’m being watched—as if there is someone who sees me and knows exactly what I’m thinking and where I’m going. This person cheers me on as I ride on past the cars and past the city lights into the pumpkin orange of the sun-drenched horizon. I begin to daydream and I picture a season much like this one where the birds are playing and I am far far away from my classes sitting on a grass hill doing nothing but delighting in the hope of the Lord. This here is timeless. It’s now and its forever. From here I re-enter reality and begin lots of prayers that usually end with “I don’t know what to pray. I just want to do the right thing.” At this point I wish upon the moon a thousand times before pedaling to familiar territory, and I hope quietly to myself that tomorrow I am blessed with the privilege do it all again because this is just what I need right now.
I thought, “How strange it is that everything can be so sunny and bright, and yet, just beneath the surface, there can be such darkness. Sometimes on beautiful days like this I think I hear a curiously familiar voice, so I walk all around the city, up through the neighborhoods, down the hills and into the grass, perhaps just to find enough quiet to validate the voice. But then I find the wind seated next to me and suddenly I’m not sure I heard anything at all.
Then I blinked my eyes and suddenly knew this wasn’t the end.
I can’t focus in my classes. I don’t have much of an appetite. I see the sun and I cringe because it’s so contrary to how I’m feeling inside. I can’t sing without wanting to cry. I can’t journal—there’s too much to say. God, all I want is to wake up. I’m so tired and weak and my prayers are so vague. My dreams go nowhere. They don’t even take me back a week. They exist in this parallel universe where all of my worries come true. Honestly though, I don’t really know what I want. I’m just so sad, empty, and confused. I’ve never felt this way before. Nobody has any advice for me except that “time will heal things.” I hate to think of that. Of course I want to heal, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to move on. I think going places by myself at night has been a good way for me to go somewhere without moving anything but my heart. I’ve been staying up really late. My eyes beg me to let them rest, but my mind tells me to keep thinking. I keep going on long walks by myself or bike rides to alleyways where I can be completely alone in the night. I need space to think and just be. I listen to one specific album on repeat probably 6 times through until I settle for the sound of the wind against my skin. I can’t sleep in. I roll out of bed and feel emptier than the morning before. I’m not going to pretend that I have it together right now. This sucks, and I think it’s okay to be brutally honest about that. I just feel like I’ve been cast out into the sea without any direction. I’m cold and I’m scared of the dark water. I’m unsure of how deep “deep” is. But, upon my own will, I begin to sink. Slowly I gradually make my way further and further into the deep of the dark never letting go of my knees. Though there comes a point in my sinking as I’m looking out into the emptiness of the water that I realize I don’t actually want to be here. It’s quiet and it makes me feel appropriately melancholy at the time, but this is Hell in disguise. I hold my breath for as long as I can, but my humanity has me rushing back to the surface gasping for air every time. Don’t tell me that God is here with me. I’ve heard that enough. I don’t doubt His presence. Do I doubt that He loves me the same as before? No. Do I really believe that this is the end?—that my dreams are merely dreams? I don’t think so. I don’t think I was created to swim out here alone. But for now, I will continue doing just that.
God, I don’t know how to shape my prayers, so I’m relying on you to pray for me.
Which will you go for
Which will you love
Which will you choose from
From the stars above
Which will you answer
Which will you call
Which will you take for
For your one and all
And tell me now
Which will you love the best
Which do you dance for
Which makes you shine
Which will you choose now
If you won’t choose mine
Which will you hope for
Which can it be
Which will you take now
If you won’t take me
And tell me now
Which will you love the best.