In & Out of Focus

I am awake. At 10:51 pm I turned out my lamp and turned over, yet here I am typing to you. I feel as though my life is this paradox of being always awake yet never fully awake if that makes any sense. Today, I woke up at noon in a fog and never really came out of it. I suppose I feel better now, but I shouldn’t. It’s nearly 4 in the morning. So much for getting away for the weekend. But, the air is sweet and the snow is beautiful. I just wish that God would let me sleep for once. It’s been so long. Years. He’s been a cosmic mystery to me lately that seems so far away as if I’m suddenly a single digit of years lying awake in my bunk bed peering out my window at the stars and contemplating their significance. Though I’m thinking that they’re probably too far away for me to actually travel to, there’s still a naive strand of hope in the twinkle of their collective light that puts me to sleep that night. It’s no different tonight except that I feel as though I lack that hope. Though perhaps it probably wouldn’t be all that interesting if I had Him all figured out. “He wants you to find Him,” said my mom on the car ride over. “Yeah,” I halfway sincerely replied and thought copious more moments of silence in the solitude of my heart.

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