No Heart Substitute

Two nights ago I had a dream that dramatically shook my emotions.  In it I was able to experience this young woman’s entire life in segments similar to a movie. I had the ability to navigate her life in chapters at my own pace and to rewind, fast forward, and pause any moment she ever lived. It was quite surreal and meaningless at first as I didn’t see the point in watching this girl who was a complete stranger to me go about her life in what was seemingly a foreign land to me (although, I would describe the setting as being very much Swedish if someone asked me). As I began to get tired of being here, her life suddenly skipped to what I would guess to be about four years later in dream years, which I would equate to about 40 years in reality. This part of her life came off as being the final chapter, and what was revealed to me was unsettling. I was immediately transported to the living room of a house at midday with a view of the front door and the windows where I could see the snow on the ground outside. The door opens and the woman is wheeled in to the home. She is the same girl as before except it’s as if all emotion has been stripped from her entire being, from her face to her toes, from her wheelchair to her thin stomach. She looks completely dead yet at the same time living because she looks at the walls of the house with her eyes and looks to be generally aware of her surroundings. The dream shifts chapters again and I am suddenly in the kitchen with her, and this is where everything becomes clear. I see that there’s a glass container holding a dead fly signifying death where her left breast would normally be, and a voice comes over the silence and aks, “Can you believe it?”  Then, the woman utters what would be the first and last words I would ever hear from her the entire dream. “I can’t live without a heart,” she says in sheer sadness and hopelessness as if she’s crying and her words are her tears. It was as if her ghost got one opportunity to whisper its deepest hurt and regret. The bottom line is that this woman longs to experience life in its entirety but is now incapable of doing so because she no longer has a heart for a reason unknown. This woman who was once full of meaning and emotion was now left with nothing but her skin to cover her bones in the cold. This dream made no sense to me. I didn’t understand why I would dream such a thing. But then I remembered how for the past couple of days I had doubted God’s grace. How could it be that after a lifetime of living in sin, the God who created us could grant us life after we die to this earth? I’ve been thinking that it seems too good to be true. Looking past everything Jesus said, I just can’t bring myself to accept the notion that after everything that happens here in this life, God redeems all who acknowledge Him as Lord and Savior. That He restores, that He’s better than life, that He’s unlike anything I can imagine… I’ve just really doubted these things lately, and I think this dream had everything to do with those doubts. But one thing’s for certain, and it’s that I woke up never wanting to lose my heart.

“God is love.”

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