I like to pretend that I’m the best kept secret.
Jesus reads us similarly to a lectio divina, except He knows our circumstances already and knows what we feel inside. This amazes me because so much of my life has been about understanding what it feels like to be something else, to be normal and liked and popular. I wonder how everyone else feels inside. If I knew, it would change everything. I’d probably be a tad more forgiving and loving towards everyone, which is just what God is like. But, I can’t know these things because I’m not God. It puts you in a position of humility and vulnerability to know that we understand so little aside from God. We have to rely on God to be our knowledge and our defender. On the topic of defense, it came to my attention, once again, that the best way to defeat enemies is to pray for them. But, more importantly, you don’t defeat them because they wither up and die, you defeat them because they are no longer your enemy. God will expand your compassion for them. I tend to forget that God loves the world, not just me, not just Seattle. If we don’t know that, we don’t know God. It’s an era of distraction. It’s always in virtue to further develop our compassion. I think becoming more globally conscious of what’s going on in the world will help with out with that. If you want a soft heart, you need to expose yourself to needs.
I’ve been thinking about these papers lately, and it reminds me of high school (in a good way). I distinctly remember staying up all hours of the night to finish writing papers on matters I could care less about, like analyzing literature classics and bizarre poems for English. I don’t remember the grade I got on any specific paper or in the class for that matter, but I do remember the nights I stayed up when I could have been sleeping and strengthening my young bones. I remember the frustration I had with school, feeling like I was being forced into a hole I never wanted to jump into in the first place, but tears don’t come for the asking. I’ve never had a place in my soul for books or for writing papers on those books. I don’t enjoy forced creativity or stressed art. The reason why these weekly reflections remind me of high school is because it’s different now. I have come to accept this part of me. I write for me. I don’t see the need anymore to write for anyone else if the point of school is to prepare the students for the discovery of themselves. When this is all over, I won’t remember the grade I got on this, I’ll remember this revelation. God has such a huge plan for me, and everyone else for that matter. It’s not the grades that will matter; it will be the experience, the growth, and the epiphanies. But, it reminds me that however virtuous it is to learn for me, there’s juxtaposition with the fact that it’s even more vital to live for God.
Today, I worship God because I trust that He has an awesome plan for me. I want to serve others. It’s wonderful because so often I subconsciously view worship as the substitution of service. I want freedom, but I forget that a servant Christian is the freest person on Earth! I don’t know what part of the reading this pertains to, but I just want to serve. Whatever I end up doing, I want to serve other people through God because, after all, God has brought us out of bondage and what better than to help others out as well. The Ten Commandments were created to give us all freedom, not take freedom away. Who said life wasn’t supposed to be scary? How free is your life if you’re in bondage to safety? Life is not slavery, it’s love freely given to other people. The rain falls to the earth and we wake up green.