If it weren’t for colors I would probably disappear into my own skin. If, at night, you’ve ever kept your eyes open and wondered what you’re doing down here on this planet feeling hurt and alone, then you understand the basic principle of desire, which is, of course, feeling. But, there’s something to be said concerning solitude and the moon. I find it hard to lose myself before midnight, and I find it difficult to dream by 1. I’m not one to get bored by will (is anyone?), but I feel as if I put myself in this exact state every night. I willfully surrender to “nighttime” and lay awake here wondering what it would be like if it were different, if I could love everyone and sit at the large circular tables during lunch everyday, if I had a lover to hold down the street, if I had the strength to run a marathon, and if I were better. But, I don’t deny that I have actively participated in the creation of this life. However, I do enjoy imagining and pretending. Everyday I pretend I’m being watched, as if I am on a T.V. screen in someone’s home while they all provide their commentary on my every action. I imagine her smiling at me as I lay here with open eyes and mind. Once, I asked a friend whether or not she did the same, assuming everyone did, and she told me she did not. So you can understand where this notion comes from, my idea that I am silly (not that I care). I think If you’re ready to face some difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be held from you. I can’t deny it given my experience.
I know, they say, “To make God laugh tell Him all your plans.” But, there is a peace in hope.